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Share Secrets to Well-Behaved Kids
6/30/2009 2:09:51 PM
How have you handled situations when a child is having a temper tantrum or experiencing anger issues?
- Janice said:
- Veronica said:
I started early in each of my boys lives to let them know that temper tantrums were not acceptable behavior and told them to go in their bedrooms until they had calmed down enough for us to discuss the issue at hand. Whenever they pulled out the I hate you! message, I would tell them that they wouldnt hate me forever and that I still loved them. They also learned very early that the grocery stores, restaurants, and other public places were not their playgrounds and explained to them what kind of behavior I expected from them when we would be taking them to one of these places. If I even got the slightest inkling that a temper tantrum was about to erupt, I would ask them if I needed to take them out to the car with me. If we ended up sitting out in the car, I reminded them that type of behavior was not acceptable since it would not allow the other people in the public place to enjoy their activities and the others deserved to enjoy their time at the place. Always after any discussions we had of this type, I would hug them and kiss them and told them I knew how well behaved they could be when they gave it an effort.
As parents, we told them they were allowed to express their opinions on any subject matter as long as they followed the rules we had set in advance on how it was to be discussed - no yelling on their part, no use of offensive or obscene language, and that we [parents] would listen. Once they had expressed their opinions, we acknowledged their opinions and when necessary, commented on their opinions and discussed ways of looking at the situation in different manner. I think they showed more respect toward us for using this practice in discussing differences in our own opinions. If their reasoning was good enough, we would compliment them for thinking it through and they were rewarded by us changing our opinions on occasion (depending on the issues at hand), or explaining our reasons for sticking with our opinions on the subject.
Of course, there were days when things did not go perfectly with our sons and it still happens now from time to time even though they are much older (First son is 33, second is 28). We would not be a normal family if some situations did not go well, but it is a great deal easier to get through those times than it was when they were younger. They grew up knowing every day we loved them regardless of the circumstances that might arise on any given day, we demonstrated a gigantic amount of patience at times, and they knew we would never give up on them.
Well said. I think the childs behavior is a direct reflection of parental behavior. Because you demonstrated proper behavior, remained calm and consistant you were in fact teaching them the behavior you wanted them to have. As the saying goes: the apple doesnt fall far from the tree.
- Veronica said:
I'M SORRY BUT WHEN YOU ARE DEALING WITH A 1 YEAR OLD THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT SHORT AND SIMPLE OR THERE ATTENTION WONDERS AS FOR THE APPLE NOT FAR FROM THE TREE IT DEPEND'S ON WHO YOU CHOSE FOR A FATHER TO.
I've been taking care of my 2 year old granddaughter since she was 6 weeks old. Her tantrums used to be a daily occurance. Now every time she shows begining signs of a tantrum, I immediately say to her, "Corner? No tantrums or you'll sit in the corner." She hates sitting in the corner facing it. If she even turns her attention away from the corner then I reposition her facing it again; and I tell her that she can't get out until she can be happy. This approach works great for her, and my son and his wife are forever grateful to me for beginning this approach.
I have been watching my 2 year old granddaughter since she was 6 weeks old. Tantrums had been almost a daily occurance for a few months. I began putting her in the corner, making her face the corner and not divert from it until she could calm down and be happy.
Now when she shows the first signs of a tantrum I say, "Corner? No tantrum or corner." 
She now hates the corner and she'll calm down to a whimper; and I'm always able to find a smile in there. My son and his wife are extremely grateful for my intervining and finding a cure for those stressful times, which they have benn able to carry through with tecnique and she responds positively. Jerri- (Nana- Mom second time around)
i have t 2 boys 9 & 10 thay have a love hate thank i thank you have to stare when thay are small i am hard on the but with love when about 2 years old thay have to help aroud the house i tell them i am thair mom not the made thay cook clean trish everthank i do if thay can pay a bill in my house thay will have right but if thay wont me to take to footboll socer all kinds of sfuff thay will have to help me if thay can not help me i will not git in my car to take them to the game it my soud like i am a bad mom but my boy know how to act right out side the house one thang i have them do and i love open a door for me i say a am a lady even now thay see dad open the car door for me thay now open the car door for me but it all come to start then when when thay about 1 1/2 or 2 what thay have to do in life it have worked for me and my mom i hop this will work for some one out thair 
I found that there is no such thing as a well behaved kid. I talk to my children(4) before we go somewhere and I tell them where we are going and How I expect them to behave what they can and cannot do and it works.
Timed timeouts worked until one set the timer instead of me. They grow up, so look into their eyes and calmly say " There is no such thing, as a bad boy or girl, only bad behavior". The trick is to teach your children to figure out thier behavior and the ramifications it brings on their own. Sometimes a child needs to earn a learned behavior on their own instead of a parent giving them everything for nothing. I've always loved my children unconditionally, and all four of them I'm proud of. Let them know that you trust them to do the right thing, and believe that they will be o.k, because children are resilient and want to please.
When my daughter was young, it seemed that she was always being bad. Of course, we would try to explain to her, in age-appropriate language, why her behavior was not right. It rarely worked. We then started with time-outs and taking away things. It didn't work. Finally, exhausted and out of solutions, I made a point of trying to see when she was behaving well and complementing her. It worked and now she is a very courteous and considerate (and well-behaved) young adult.
- Kelly said:
I have just read all the comments to this post. So many of the suggestions here are so worthwhile to take notice of. Preventative-talking to your kids ahead of time and letting them know what you are doing, where you are going and what is expected of them. Starting Early-as soon as they can understand No, make sure that you let them know you mean what you say. If they choose to disobey there will be negative consequences. Reinforce the positive and always look for the good. Show love, but not in a way that puts a child on a pedastel. They need to know that everyone else is just as important as they are. IF YOU MODEL AND SHOW RESPECT IT IS SOMETHING THAT WILL BE CAUGHT. I did not read of many even mentioning spanking. I am a mom of 5, ages 14-31. I have found each child to be different and each to be taught in slightly different measures. Training did begin early on for all and I loved them enough to train, correct, and when needed, to discipline them into obediance. I firmly belive in spanking for direct disobediance (not childishness). I believe you do not spank out of frustration or when you are angry but only when your well defined rules are broken. If you do this when thay are very young, they very soon catch on and dont want to continue to cross those boundaries.If you explain that you are doing this because you love them and it is your God given job to train them into respectful individuals that will be considerate of others and yeilding to athourity. After administering the punishment (No pain no gain) Gently hug and reinforce your love for them. It shows not only that you unconditionally love them in spite of their disobediance but is an example of how we all must yeild to athority (ultimatley God) in our lives . If any of my kids ever acted up in public they would get a warning. That is usually all I had to do. If for any reason they felt like testing me, we would go to the car for an attitude adjustment and when it was completed we would go back to finishing what we came to do. With a repentant and forgiven heart, things could go back to normal and security was reinforced by maintainig the expectatins of mutual respect and consideration. I have found if you do it properly, you really dont have to do it much. Unless you have one of those very strong-willed (I had 2). They can wear you out. It has been a little harder with grandkids........They are sometimes just too adorable.
I totally agree with you on spanking. When done in a loving unabusive way it bears respect for the parent and others. A spanking, swat on the bottom or hand is different form a beating a child.
My boya. 5 and 10, had real sibling rivalry. At times it was very noisey! The car was one place I put my foot down.........on the brake. I pulled the car over into a safe area and parked. I explained that they were making such a racket that if an emergency truck siren wanted me to pull over I wouldn't be able to hear. They had been told that the law enforcement officers were their friend. They knew to watch for Mom.
when my 6 yr old throws a temper tntrum, he loses watching tv, then if he doesn't calm down he loses any treats/snacks, if that still doesn't work he cannot play with his friends/neighbors(they have a pool and a trampoline) and i always say to him" what do whiners get?, he usually replies"nothing" , then i ask him if he would like anything else taken away and he usually says no.
My biggest solution is to stand firm. If you tell a child no and they start pouting, don't give in. Soon they will learn that you mean what you say and are able to deal with it. If a child is having a tantrum, I just let them have it out and not give them more attention. Soon they'll learn to stay positive instead of act negative.
I have tried both of the suggestions of throwing myself down next to my child and kicking and screaming - this worked wonderfully with my son, however when Itried this with my youngest daughter it did not work; with her I had to just step over her and continue on with my business not paying any attention to her and what she was doing att he time, this worked equally well with my youngeat daughter...it just goes to show that not all children are the same and all the suggestions in the world may not work it comes down to "trial and error" and finding what works with that particular child.
Let them know early that poor behavior is unacceptible and "Prove" that it is much more effective for them to speak calmly, clearly and politely. Compromise in some way so that they feel good about their technique, show them it works to behave.Don't ever laugh if they something smarty pants, they'll still be saying it as teenagers and it won't be so cute and funny then.
My 8 year old daughter has anger problems. She yells and screams when she gets upset. That may seem normal but compared to my other three kids it's not. I bought her a journal. Every time she gets in one of her moods or throws a tantrum I have her write in her journal. She writes what she's feeling and what is going through her mind I even encourage pictures. When she is done writing, I read it and we talk about what she wrote. Ever since we started this journal she has learned to control some of her anger issues. She now is starting to realize that her behavior affects everyone and not just herself.
When my daughter was little there was no such thing as no spanking. But I must say she learned early on that when I said,"They have a bathroom do you want to go have a talk?" She knew she had pushed me to my limit. She only got swatted on the behind. Her last swat was at age six. She is now 20 and we laughed when the new local big box store was opened since they had bathrooms. She tells me she never acted up because there was a bathroom in each area of the store.
- REBECCA said:
WHEN YOUR CHILD IS HAVING A TEMPEER TANTRUMS DONT DONT SPANK THEM , PUT THEM IN THIER ROOM AND CLOSE THE DOOR, AND WHEN THEY ARE READY TO TALK TELL THEM THAT NEXT TIME THEY BEHAVE BAD THAT YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE AWAY TOYS OR T.VS OR THEIR WAT THEY LIKE BEST TO PLAY WITH.
A spanking once in awhile will not hurt your child. Your caps are screaming and people do not like being yelled at either.
First off, when we get ready to go somewhere I tell my kids what I expect of them. I've done this ever since they were old enough to actually comprehend words. They know that when we go to a restaurant, I expect them to sit and talk or color until the food is there and then sit and eat after that. They know when we go to a store, I expect them to allow me to shop for the items I need without fits, without them touching everything, and so on. If they start to get out of hand, I remind them of our talk and what is expected of them. I remind them that we are not at a playground or the park where loud or active behavior is appropriate. I have them look at the other people and see how the adults are acting and so on. My kids aren't perfect but they know what I expect and most of the time they try to live up to that.Second, I don't give in to demands or fit throwing. This is something I see parents do in stores and I always shake my head, not because I'm judging but because I can understand why the kid throws the fit. It's effective. If a parent is in a store and their kid asks for something (say a toy) and the parent says no, that should be the end of it. However, often, I then see the kid keep asking and the parent saying no until eventually the kid is throwing a fit at which point the parent either gives in or compromises to get the kid to stop. I know it's hard but don't give in. When kids see the fit doesn't work and perhaps works out to their detriment (we have gotten out to the car before and I've said something like, "we were going to go to McDonalds for lunch but since I had to put up with that big fit in there, I'm tired and we're just going home.") they won't do it the next time. I have 3 kids and I can count on one hand the number of temper tantrums over "things" we've had in stores. Don't let them work and kids won't resort to them.
KIDS ARE GOING TO BE KIDS AND PARENTS HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT THEY ALWAYS HAVE THE UPPER HAND AND THE WAY TO DEAL WITH A CHILD THAT HAS A TANTRUM IS TO FIND OUT WHY AND THEN IF THEY CONTINUE WITH THE TANTRUM AND THEY ARE NOT HURTING ANYTHING EXCEPT YOUR EARDRUMS, IGNORE THEM, BECAUSE THEY ARE TESTING YOUR PATIENCE.....PEACE
Use your words----Say "when you are crying,I can't understand you" Please use your words---When they are calm enough to "use their words " LISTEN----Together hopefully you can work it out
I am the mother of 3 adult children and 2 grandaughters, i have children older than dirt but I learned very quickly that you never lie to a child. This is in ecery part of their lives no matter how small. When we would go shopping or gradmother's house church, ect they knew that they had to behave. Before we would leave the house the last thing I would say to them is "If you miss behave, we will at once return home. And I backed it up every time. Once I even sent my daughter to her room, at her own birthday party for acting snotty to another child. We continued on with the party without her.I never put a less than quality picture that they had done on the refrigerator. Only their best went there, They knew whether their picture was good or nnot,but if i hung it there in a way I would be lying to them. Once I bought gas ad I was 10cents short, I could have driven home &forgotton about it, but no I went home got a dime and took it back to the gas station. You see they are always watching you ad there are many ways to lie to a child. I once said a bad word on the phone and I I had to put myself on loss of phone privlefges. the look to you to tell them what is right and what is wrong and it takes alot of courage to live by that same code yourself, but I wanted my children to know that I lovcd them so much that I would never let them slide by, I their father and I lived by that same code.I did not take great pleasure in it but I wanted them to be people of character. My jof as their mother was to love them, nourish them,stand with them and for them. It was our job as their parents to raise them in love to be responsible adults. Love, yes the love we bear these children cannot be measured, they are wonderful people. They were never yelled out,or hit or spanked. I was an abused child and I know how that felt.And so I built them up with love. We only bought them toys thar required them to think experience ad enjoy. They never owned a toy like tickle me elmo who aall it did was laugh.I painted the constellatios in glow in the dark paint so that at night they dreamed and thought "under the stars".They made dioarma's for fun. My younest son was taking phiosology class and he had to make a part of the human body,so useing candle gel he had the human eye. His teacher was so ipressed with it that she begged us to let her keep it. And of course we did. Kids today are not stimulated into thinking,While their friends were gettinng the latest and hotest toy for Xmas, they learned what Xmas was really about, and their presents were papers,paint,pipecleaners,old magazines,books, Today they are woderful adults, and wonderful parents.Was it hard not to give in? yes,yes,yes,yes.We sat down at meals together, discuss affairs of state, even the younest who was 1o years younger than his older siblings had a vote at our family council meetings.Their choices such as where we would spend our family vacations counted as equal as the older ones. Today we have a tremendous bond, they are now all living at home again to cut costs on living expenses. We love them and by golly they know we love them. But this is how it rolls on at my house. Love ad Laughter,Lindy
Before entrying any store I talked to my kids about the consequence on misbehavior. I told them that I will not let them act bad in front of others to respect them or we will go home. Do you know I had to go through with it once but it worked. Also, I would let them know ahead of time if I could buy them something at that moment or not as we all know the question. Mommy can I have this? Hope this helps.
When my daughter (now 20) was 2 years old. She had a tanturm in a supermarket because I would not let her run around the store. She was expected to sit in the cart while I shopped. Well that didn't work. In the first aisle she let loose a most horrible scream. I gave her one warning or we were leaving. She didn't believe me so did it again. I lifted her out of the cart and left the store. Not trying to overkill the situation, she was just 2, I told her she was being naughty and would not be able to go to the supermarket with me unless she behaved. Because I mean what I say and say what I mean I kept to my promise. She felt she was missing out because her sister, then 4 was able to go. She made the change and was able to accompany me to the store. I believe in consistency and follow-through. If you say it you have to mean it otherwise children learn the message behind what is said.
My children never had temper tantrums. My younger sister did. I used to babysit her, and she would pitch a fit and scream and throw herself down and kick her legs. I ignored her. It was hard, but eventually she would stop. She stopped throwing her fits, because no one paid her any attention when she did.
I have a well-behaved little boy. He's 14 months now and we get complimented on how well-behaved for a toddler he is. He has his moments though. We always keep snacks, toys, and books for him whenever we go out stashed in the diaper bag. In the store he has always been included. People thought we were crazy for telling our newborn "Oh, you're going to love this formula" or as he got a bit older "You're going to love applesauce" and showing it to him. Now he doesn't talk much yet, but he gets to help in the store so long as he behaves. And he understands, I don't care what anyone says. I've had people tell me he is too young to understand but he does. He gets to help by pointing at which cheerios he wants for instance when we hold up 2 boxes for him to pick from (if we put the other in the cart, he glares at us, tries to throw it out, and refuses to eat it when we get home). What he wants he eats with no trouble. He gets to hold the box, or his bag of yogurt puffs, whatever. If he throws it on the floor, he gets firmly told "no throwing food on the floor" or something like that and a second chance. Does it again, he gets the boredom of not holding anything. And we talk to him the whole time we're at a store - about what we're doing, getting, what we're going to do when we get home, etc. The only time he's had a meltdown in a store was more our fault - we had stopped to buy him some shoes at an outlet store and it was near his naptime. Store was also crowded and he just freaked. I took him outside where it was quiet and let him help me look at a sales rack out there while his daddy finished shopping. He can throw a pretty good tantrum at home but I think it's more at this point him not being able to tell us why he's upset. It just seems more like frustration. Timeouts work well when he's throwing a good tantrum - he's smacked me right in the face before on purpose. He just got told very firmly and calmly no hitting, you hurt mommie when you do that, and a time out. He hates timeouts. They are wonderful. lol Best thing with his tantrums? If in public, we leave. That means no one is paying much attention to him and even at his age I tell him he can't behave like that because it isn't nice and I know he wants to be a good boy. At home, ignore them. He stops very quickly when he sees he's not getting any attention. And I always have told him thank you when he's a good boy out in public, mommie appreciates how good you were and he gets lots of hugs and kisses. Last time we went out to eat he was the only small child there who wasn't running around, throwing food, or screaming. We ended up getting ours to go and leaving b/c we couldn't stand it!
Brenda stated it perfectly. Start early and stand firm. I agree 100% and I am raising 4 of them. We often get comments on how well behaved our children are!! We are very, very, loving and give the children choices when appropriate...the youngest are still only 16 months and 11 weeks, but we are already very into manners with the 16 month old and we stand firm in our limits.... It isn't easy, but it really has worked well with our family. You HAVE to give the love and affection for it to work I believe. I also think you should, LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN!! Even when we are busy and running crazy, I always let them talk and listen to what they have to say. It takes a bit longer and sometimes is hard to do but soooo important for their self esteem!!
When my child had his 1st and only temper tantrum, I used reversed physcology. He was four years old and at 38 today still remembers it well. He was laying on the floor screaming, kicking, throwing his arms about and I went in there with my belt and told him that since he wanted my attention - he got it. That I would use the belt on him if he didn't lay there and continue to scream, kick, etc for fifteen minutes. I stood over him and timed the ordeal. Every time he slacked up, I would tell him I couldn't hear him to scream and yell some more, or keep kicking those legs and swinging those arms. By the time to stop, he was exhausted, BUT he never did it again.
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